afraid

"For the Lord your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory.” 
(Deuteronomy 20:4)

i was afraid, really afraid. the fear within me was so so overwhelming. when i listened to pa and ma's voices over the phone, worrying me so much and ask me to really take care of myself, to call home whenever i need them. and dearest you as well, to keep asking me to stay strong and believe me i can do this. i just cannot stop myself from crying over and over again. i have never felt these way before. God, i have never felt this lost before, i was afraid, i'm sorry. 

dearest you, thank you so much. i really did felt better. i opened up the bible, listening to worship songs, think only Him. amazingly and knowingly, i felt peace. a sudden change in my heart. i can hear God says, don worry my child, i am with you. dont be afraid, you are never alone. He never fails, people. He always brought victory.

sorting out my luggages and baggages, finding its place in every corner of this room. trying to make it feel home. pa's little pillow, ma's bedsheets and little turtle, Lele. Lele is so cute. i cant believe he is that clever to actually climbed out of his little bear's house and running around my desk! but NO! dont ever do that again! Little stuff that i brought awesomely make me feel a little, a little like home.

thank You Lord, who am i, for every of Your words, Your care, Your love. i will stay strong. for You dear God. I must, to give the great glory to You. I love You, Jesus.

你不懂

心灵的忧伤谁了解呢
心里的痛楚谁懂呢
就连最爱你的人也不明白
只有全能的天父能够叫你原谅,忘掉
那忧伤那苦衷

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.6

plans

'For i know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord. 'They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.'

days are rough recently. but nah, i have God and my family. my dad was really cute. Yesterday he came to me and showed me two manggas he planted himself. he was amused by the size of the two ripe manggas where one big and the other one super small. he asked me to take a pictures of 'em. seeing his laughs with those wrinkles in his face, saying 'it's baby mangga ive planted!' i laughed out loud as well.

the feelings of anxiety about life, heartache and emptiness about life had trapped me in trauma. a snag in life can be so vulnerable. im feeling scared, of what? i don know. the feelings of me never getting out of it, or the feelings thing would never be the same.

My God's word is all im asking for now, i keep on searching the answer in His words. and yeah, His words is so honorable, so faithful and so real. i realised the thing is, im not ready to leave. i think i don want to somehow. but just in a few days, ive realised so many things, ive seen so many flaws, im changing inside, rapidly. that you might not even recognized me when you saw me.

dear God, im willing to get out of it. teach me how. fill me with Your words and only You. have faith and watch God's plan unfold. i believe and know it will be far more beautiful than i think it will be. Thank You for all the gracious comfort.

These may not be the version of your perfect day, but have faith that He has a bigger plans for you in due time.

she's home. emotionless

after 20 minutes long drive, she's finally home. taking her jacket's off, putting down her bag, opened up the piano case and started playing. she started playing river flows in you. started it off with soft and dynamic rhythm then vigorously stomping at the piano keys. emotionless. from the beginning till the end. over and over  again. for around 30 minutes. and without realising, tears dropped on the piano key. 'BANG' furiously bang really hard on those piano keys. end of story.