dear you

To dear you,

ive read through the love book you gave me once again, and now it is my turn, to really wanna tell you something.

God let us met in church, and amazingly God let us come together and share His love. Having you with me was a wonderful thing that had ever happened to me. Walking with me, telling me about God and you, i feel love. A truly blessing to know such an awesome guy exists. i cant promise i will remember every single moment of us, but i can promise i wont forget the name, Lemuel Zhang Yi Le, how he have turned me closer to God.

Zhang Yi Le's virtue:
1. Love God, trust God.
2. Love family (you wont forget to always buy good food to share with them)
3. Love me (at times, i do feel like a princess :)
4. Sacrifices alot for me, time, money and heart. (dedicated in every present, very diligent)
5. Serious in us. (a man hardly cry, and when you do, you must be in real pain)
6. Pursuing happiness all the time. eventho he's facing alot of troubles in life.
7. Love to spend quality time with loved ones.
8. The smile and laugh that i would never forget. Very attractive.
9. Focus when he's doing something.
10. Show a lot of consideration and give a lot of care to what he thinks is important.
11. Has a goal in life, pursuing it with God. Willing to let it all to God.
12. The look that will always make me feel shy and no one can resists! (dont look at other girls that way!!!)
13. Very cute. (for some lame jokes :P but still, managed to make both of us laugh)
14. Very loving. He wont stop showing his care and love. always super loving.
15. Rational. (Firm with God's principles, Like a man.)
16. As long as his loved one is happy, he is happy and satisfied.
17. The best spiritual friend you can have.
18. Would never force you to do things you are not willing to do.
19. Willing to share God's words, his feelings and his thoughts.
20. Know how to take care of others and himself.
21. Do only what is right and avoid what is wrong.
22. Always think of his family and the loved ones.
23. Appreciate every single God's blessings on himself, aware that He is so blessed.
24. Never stop learning, regardless study or God.
25. Would stay away from things that might hurt his loved ones' feelings.
26. Pursuing strong spiritual life. (Will always train and prepare himself for the better)
27. Being humble and never forget he can be better and better.
28. More to discover.......

Wow, aint you the best my dear? :P never forget, you will be always in here, <3 the heart. eventhough we are apart. never forget, the love comes from God, never dies. Jesus loves you, So do i. :)

Sincerely, wen.

wonders

信是未曾看见 依然仰望十架，信是完全交托 深知主已掌权

我靠着那加给我力量的主，凡是都能做.

USH!!! another day went through with God's strength. Amen! ive been throught ALOT for these few days, eventhough it is just a few days, but ive been through spiritually and mentally fights. thank God, He always managed to tell me, wen, I am with you, cast your worries on Me, and I love you. and wow, that feeling was so blissful and amazing.

but tell you what, orientation suck! gosh, it reminded me back of my national service's life. waking up early in the morning like 5, 6, sleeping late at 1, 2? what's worse? walking! i have been praying and know this will be my biggest fear and i cant believe how ive walked through those hills and stairs and the SUN! having a little rest in between the lunches and dinners was exhausting as well. like a 45 mins rest? that is torturing! and there's one day, i thought i almost died when i walked around 40 mins to come back to college alone. :(

i know i know it's only for a week. but well! IT IS TIRING. haha, and thanks to those who hear me complain like every single second and moment. to ma, pa and gor, to lovely friends, im tired but im alright. God loves me and He sent so many angels, you, you and you to fight for me, to stay strong with me. and dearest you, i know you will always be there and thank you. With God, anything is possible and i have faith, this is just the beginning of the wonders that He wanted to give me.

afraid

"For the Lord your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory.” 
(Deuteronomy 20:4)

i was afraid, really afraid. the fear within me was so so overwhelming. when i listened to pa and ma's voices over the phone, worrying me so much and ask me to really take care of myself, to call home whenever i need them. and dearest you as well, to keep asking me to stay strong and believe me i can do this. i just cannot stop myself from crying over and over again. i have never felt these way before. God, i have never felt this lost before, i was afraid, i'm sorry. 

dearest you, thank you so much. i really did felt better. i opened up the bible, listening to worship songs, think only Him. amazingly and knowingly, i felt peace. a sudden change in my heart. i can hear God says, don worry my child, i am with you. dont be afraid, you are never alone. He never fails, people. He always brought victory.

sorting out my luggages and baggages, finding its place in every corner of this room. trying to make it feel home. pa's little pillow, ma's bedsheets and little turtle, Lele. Lele is so cute. i cant believe he is that clever to actually climbed out of his little bear's house and running around my desk! but NO! dont ever do that again! Little stuff that i brought awesomely make me feel a little, a little like home.

thank You Lord, who am i, for every of Your words, Your care, Your love. i will stay strong. for You dear God. I must, to give the great glory to You. I love You, Jesus.

你不懂

心灵的忧伤谁了解呢
心里的痛楚谁懂呢
就连最爱你的人也不明白
只有全能的天父能够叫你原谅,忘掉
那忧伤那苦衷

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plans

'For i know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord. 'They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.'

days are rough recently. but nah, i have God and my family. my dad was really cute. Yesterday he came to me and showed me two manggas he planted himself. he was amused by the size of the two ripe manggas where one big and the other one super small. he asked me to take a pictures of 'em. seeing his laughs with those wrinkles in his face, saying 'it's baby mangga ive planted!' i laughed out loud as well.

the feelings of anxiety about life, heartache and emptiness about life had trapped me in trauma. a snag in life can be so vulnerable. im feeling scared, of what? i don know. the feelings of me never getting out of it, or the feelings thing would never be the same.

My God's word is all im asking for now, i keep on searching the answer in His words. and yeah, His words is so honorable, so faithful and so real. i realised the thing is, im not ready to leave. i think i don want to somehow. but just in a few days, ive realised so many things, ive seen so many flaws, im changing inside, rapidly. that you might not even recognized me when you saw me.

dear God, im willing to get out of it. teach me how. fill me with Your words and only You. have faith and watch God's plan unfold. i believe and know it will be far more beautiful than i think it will be. Thank You for all the gracious comfort.

These may not be the version of your perfect day, but have faith that He has a bigger plans for you in due time.

she's home. emotionless

after 20 minutes long drive, she's finally home. taking her jacket's off, putting down her bag, opened up the piano case and started playing. she started playing river flows in you. started it off with soft and dynamic rhythm then vigorously stomping at the piano keys. emotionless. from the beginning till the end. over and over  again. for around 30 minutes. and without realising, tears dropped on the piano key. 'BANG' furiously bang really hard on those piano keys. end of story.

death

mummy just came back from one relative's funeral in kuching, and she talked about how the whole funeral things goes. and this sudden reminds me of the first funeral ive went. the memory was pretty clear inside my head.

in the middle of the night, dad and mum woke both me and my brother up, i was eight. parents quickly packed a few clothes and told us to get in the car and out of nowhere we were rushing down the road. dad was driving impatiently and furiously fast. i cling tightly to my seatbelt behind watching my dad's uneasy expression and an eight year old girl's thought started pondering.. what.. why..feeling afraid.. but was assured by mum to just fall asleep. the first thing i saw when i woke up is one row of old ancient shophouses. dad braked harshly in front of one small grocery store and jumped out of the car and ran into that store. mummy was also acting quick and hugged me into the store. feeling shocked and what i saw inside the shop was many people was sobbing, surrounds my dad and one bed, lying on it was my grandma. mummy puts me down, gasped and cried. i anxiously looked at her and walked to my dad. my dad was very sad, crying out loud calling grandma. ive never saw my dad acted this way. i went beside him and he hugged me and heaved, 'ahpo.. ahpo.. si liao' (grandma had died) and crying more loudly. i looked at her, my grandma lying expressionless on the bed, dressed in her usual kebaya, she looked as though she is only sleeping but no, she passed away. i hugged my dad and cried with him, uttered 'ah po..' and touched her sleeves, everyone was grieving and mourning for hours. i think i will never forget this scene. it will always be a reminder to me to spread Jesus' love before it's too late.

a funeral is such a sad scene to watch. death is something i do not know back then. do you know what death means? i do now. i believe death on earth means eternal life in heaven, for i believe in Jesus Christ. dont ever look death lightly. it is not the end. spend sometime and think, how do you see death.

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